She REALLY wants to live here….

Hi There,

I got your mail. Thanks for geting back to me so quick and I am extremely interested in ur room since you said you are not expecting it to be too long and i don't want you to rent it out to any other person...... I will inform company client I worked in the states for before I quit to arrnage for my last payment to you so that you can deduct the payment of the room out of it. You seem to be a very good and nice person. I want you to know that i'm a very straight forward and honest person. I contacted the person who i worked for when i was in the states. The man is owing me and he is ready to pay me with acheck. I will be paying ahead my arrival for a month, which is very important and that will secure the Place for me, and as soon as I arrive others important things will be taken care of before moving in the Place. I want you t o know that the first month payment will be made in full via Certified Bank Cashier's Check or Money Order and that will stand as commitment ahead my arrival. So i will inform him to issue out the check to you, so that the check can stand as the payment of the room. All you got to do now is to send me your full name name, contact address and phone number so that i can forward it to my client who will issue the check out to you... As soon as i get these info i requested for, i will forward them to my client immediately. As soon as you recieve the check you will deduct the frist month out of it you will now help me forward the remaning balance to my traveling manager so that i can use it to book for my flight back to the states. I just want to make sure i get the room before i get back to the state.. I will like stay there for a year even more that till when i will have my own personal place but I will prefer month to month lease.
More About me: ABOUT ME:
Name: Rose Michaels
E yes: Black
Age: 26yrs
Height: 5' 6' (167cm)
Weight: 122 pounds (55.0 kg)
Body Style: Athletic/Fit Activity
Level: Active
Smoking: No
Drinking: Socially
Marital Status: Single
Children: I have no kids
Sign: Virgo
Languages I speak: English & Spanish
Ethnicity: Spanish
Education: MCSA/MCSE
Occupation: Fashion Designer
My favorites are;
My favorite cuisines: Barbecue, Chinese/Dim Sum, Deli, Eastern-European, Fast Food/Pizza, French, Greek,Indian, Italian, Japanese/Sushi, Mexican, Seafood,
Soul Food, Thai, Vietnamese
My favorite music: Dance/Electronica, Disco, Easy Listening, Pop/Top 40, Rap/Hip Hop, Soul/R&B and Soundtracks.
My favorite physical activities: Basketball, Working Out, Dancing, Swiming and Hiking/Walking I love travelling, sporting and enjoy meeting people. I don't smoke or drink but i do not mind people who do being around me. Am cool headed and easy go ing person with no criminal record and i like to have a roommmate or neighabour who is very responsible and understanding,someone i can really get a long. As soon as you get this mail pls get back to me with the info i requested for so that every thing can be done fast. Take care and I will be looking forward to hear from you soon.

Thanks and have a good time..
Warmest Regards,

My response:

Dear Rose,
I'm going to do away with the niceties and cut right to the chase. The rooms are all but yours. You won me over with a single line in your response: Your body type. Now, I know most landlords wouldn't care about this sort of thing (and I'm pretty sure it's illegal to sell someone housing based on their physical fitness) but, well, it's important to me. You see, Rose, I need your body. I can't afford to rent to just any fat ass. No, Rose. What I need in my house is a lean mean muscle machine... what we in America call "a hard body". Can you be a hard body for me, Rose? I'll tell you why this is so important, Rose. It's the yard. The yard is a shambles. It needs a LOT of work. Work that only those possessing the body type "athletic/fit activity" are going to be able to handle.

You see, Rose, when we moved into this place, we had high hopes of making that yard the new Garden of Eden. We were going to prune the fruit trees and tame the lawn and really get those vegetable patches producing. But, you know how it goes, Rose. Sometimes life just gets in the way. And sometimes you have less time for big projects than you thought. So, I need to have my yard maintained, Rose, and it's going to be the responsibility of the renter to keep it looking good. I wouldn't want the (racist) neighbors to get any ideas about letting their lawns go because mine has gone to seed! Anyway, Rose, this yard, it needs help. It needs your athleticism and it needs it now.

Do you have experience pushing a lawnmower, Rose? The kind that neither plugs in nor uses gas? Because we only have the old fashioned kind. And the yard is nearly a quarter of an acre. On a slope. So, every two weeks, Rose, you're going to have to put on your Wellies and get out there and mow. It should only take about half the day. That will leave you the other half of the day for the other yard work. There are the rose bushes that need pruning, the ornamentals that will need thinning, the blackberries that will need trimming... and that's just the front yard! Oh, I almost forgot! I hope you're not afraid of coyotes, rats, rabbits, or raccoons, Rose. Your ability to run a mile without getting winded will really come in handy when you encounter our charming neighborhood friend, "Bandit", going through the compost pile!

Anywho, Rose, I'm sure your company client's accounting department is familiar with the procedure for illegal Internet scams, so you just have them wire me one million US dollars right away. That will cover your first week. Once you've learned to operate the WeedWacker, we can lower the rent to something more reasonable... say, something in the hundreds of thousands.

Your Pal With A Green Thumb (in your eye),

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Sleepless In Just-South-Of-Seattle

Oh, Internet. I can't sleep. Not with CLH rhythmically kicking me in the shin with his icy toes like that. I'm going to ask him tomorrow morning if he beat Lance Armstrong on the uphill because he's CLEARLY trying to out-pedal SOMETHING right now.

Things I am thinking about instead of sleeping:

1. I need to rent this house out. NEED TO. This whole living in limbo thing is getting REALLY OLD really fast.
2. I finally caved in and joined (wincing) Facebook. If, in ten years, economists are wondering about the precipitous drop in American productivity right around this time period, I think they'll know who to blame. EVERYONE has welcomed me into the fold with a variation on this sentence: "Welcome to the greatest time suck ever known to man". I've already found half my grammar school class (not hard since there were a whopping 25 of us in the graduating class)... and it's odd to see my childhood playmates... with boobs. And bald spots. I know I'm not a) delivering a social commentary that hasn't already been delivered about this cultural phenomenon or b) saying anything profound or unique, but, seriously. Boobs and bald spots. On my childhood friends.
3. I am really tickled by how many FAKE FUCKING EMAILS I am receiving from scam artists about this house rental. Just wait till I show you the latest round. I could have a full time job just responding to them.
4. On some days (like today) I feel like throwing out all my possessions out and starting over. I've already begun the process of photographing and listing all the stuff I think will sell on Craigslist before we move so that we don't have to move with it. I cannot WAIT to be rid of it all. Something about austere living has really got me in its clutches right now. Of course, I know that as soon as the weather gets better and the garage sales start happening in my neighborhood, I'm going to want to make the inside of my house look like a Bennigan's turned up to 11... so I'm holding on to this feeling of wanting renewal while it lasts.

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Response to Potential Renter #2

Received a few days ago (and again this evening. Error number one, morons. Don't send the same scam email twice.)

"Hi There, How re you doing? I hope all is well. I'm Rose Michaels, am 26 yrs old and Am originally from Barcelona, Spain . Graduate of Huelva University on the Costa de la Luz, I have a master degree in interior fashion and I work as a professional fashion designer. I moved to Phoenix , AZ two year ago for work and that's where am living. I'm am not in the states right now, i am presently in West africa . I am currently working on contract for a company call (African Family Home Fashions) here in West Africa ( Nigeria) which the contract will be ending soon. I will be returning to states in two weeks time and I don't want to go back to my where am living in Phoenix because my house rent has expired there. I enjoy traveling, It is very interesting to get more knowledge about the new countries, new people and traditions. It's great to have such a possibility.

As i was searching through the web i saw the advert of your room. I would like to know maybe it's still available becasue i'm extremely interested in it. Here are the questions i would like to know about the room before planing to move in to the following questions below:
A}I will like to know the major intersection nearest your shopping mall,Churches,bus line e.t.c
B}I will like to know the total cost for the my initial move as in first month rent and if you accept deposit.
C}I will like to know if there is any garage or parking space cos I will have my own car come over.
D}I will like to have the rent fee per month plus the utilities.
E}I will like to have the description of the room, size, and the equipments in there.
F}I will also like to know Your payment mode.
G}I will like to know if I can make an advance payment ahead my arrival that will be stand as a kind of commitment that I am truely coming over and for you to hold the room down for me. I will be very glad to have all this questions answered with out leaving a stone unturned... Now a little about myself;I am from Barcelona, Spain : that means i am Spanish and had all my education in Spain . I am 26yrs old and very much single,the only child of my only parent,my mother alive, i lost my father and my only brother years ago while i was still a kid in an auto accident.I am currently living with my mom who's a catholic volunteer worker,but also manages her antique business. She is a volunteer at the sister's of the eucharistic heart of jesus convent,here in Barcelona , Spain . I have been wanted to relocated to the US longtime ago even while i was a little girl growing up and my mom is in support.It' been a long dreamed come true for me when i finnally settled in the US now. I have chosen your city for me to live when i arrive. I am easy to get along with and well mannered. I do not use people's items without permission and consideration.
Kindly get back to me ASAP with the your monthly rent and the deposit i need to pay to enable you turn down other interested parties and keep the place for me until i arrive,because i will like to pay for the deposit before my arrival and i will like to know the total amount the rent for a whole year would be,as i am more interested in a long term lease,but still open to any form of lease you want. But i will like to pay the deposit first of all before i arrive to show my seriousness and so that you can hold the place for me until i arrive.I am single as i said and i am not attached to anyone at the moment. I do part time modeling; i call myself an amateur though,LOL,just something i take as a hobby and also i have a masters degree in interior fashion which i bagged from the Huelva University on the Costa de la Luz in Spain . I will be looking to pick up Fashion Designer jobs once i arrive in ur city, Fashion Designer is my life and i love it. I am new living all alone as i have lived with my mom alone in the past but i have no doubs in my mind about my ability to live peacefully with as i was raised to be a lover of peace. A friend just introduced me to this thing and i really wish that i am able to find the good cultured kind of Place i am looking for here. I hope i am doing it right anyways.LOL. Well,i think we will get along well because am a easy going person who respects ones privacy,like i said i dont do drugs or smoke but i drink only occasionally,i strongly believe there will be any problems living with me as i was raised by strong catholic Christain parents and have inbibed such good qualities from childhood. I will love to see your pics and those of the place as well.I'll be so glad if you can reserve the room for me and remove all your the adverts abt the place as i'll love to rent the place.
Get back to me ASAP
Thanks and have a good time,and you can give me a buzz cos i am presently online on my IM ( rosesmich0101 ).
Warmest Regards,

And, here's my response:

Dear Rose,
Perhaps you might know my friend, Make Mike Jason Smith! He, too, is a fashion designer living abroad or in the states (depending on which line in the email you believe), and he too needs an apartment! I have to tell you, Rose, that I am really intrigued at the DIRECT corollary between earners-of-masters-in-fashion-design and the sudden homelessness pandemic amongst you all. You ALL seem to be searching for apartments at exactly the same time! No worries, though. I'm sure there's room for all of you here in our fair city.

I love that you "bagged" your degree. You must be incredibly smart. And totally hip to be using a word like "bagged" when referring to a degree in a HIGHLY competitive field. I'm confused, though, Rose. Why would someone as smart as yourself want to know about the bus lines AND want to know about a parking garage on the premises? Is it because you are driving a bus? That would be WAY cool, Rose. And probably a nice way to supplement your fashion designer income! As for churches, I can't say. I'm not a church goer, Rose. But, whatever your parents gave you to drink as a kid that immediately made you full of Christian values, I would love to try it. I've never tried chugging Christian values myself, but, hey. I'm not one to turn away God if he comes in a convenient 12 ounce size.

I am concerned about your pursuit of the fashion world here in our small corner of the world, Rose. Really concerned. I don't know how they do it over there in Nigeria, but here in the Northwest, high fashion is considered not wearing socks with your Teva sandals. Also, if your fleece Harry Potter hat matches your ski boot bindings. I hate to disappoint you, Rose, because, believe me, I know what it's like to be disappointed by something that is masquerading as something it's not, but this place does not take kindly to fashion. And I know that, with your degree in fashion and all, you're going to want to be inspired by your environment. But this place inspires only smelly ultimate Frisbee players and Bigfoot with its fashion sense. You'd be better served scamming looking in some other major city for housing.

I, too, strongly believe there will be any (and all) problems with you living here. So here's what I suggest: give Make Mike Jason Smith a buzz. I'll even give you is email! It's: He's looking for a place, you're looking for a place. Why don't you guys room together? That way, when the police come and arrest you for email baiting, they only have to make one stop.

With Warmest Apologies for Your Horrible Spelling,

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What To Do With That Damned Catchy Song

Okay, so we all know that I have been obsessing about a particular little pop song. Apparently, I'm not the only one who's been fixating on it. (The friends CLH and I went out drinking with last night ALSO think it's catchy). And this morning, as I watched the video for said song UH-GAIN, something came to me.

I have an idea for the inmates at Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center.

Wait. You don't know about the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center? Go to YouTube right now and search for "prison" and "Thriller" (and try not to think of the implications of searching for an actual thriller in an actual prison.) Now watch the video of the reenactment of the Thriller 100 or so prisoners in orange jumpsuits. ISN'T THAT AMAZING? And while you're at it, check out the OTHER half dozen or so songs they have choreographed. I mean, have you ever seen such discipline, such attention to detail, from a bunch of, well... prisoners? I'm beginning to think their only crime was loving the dance too much...

Okay, so now that we know these guys can do the "Soulja Boy" moves like nobody's business, I think it's time we bumped it up a notch. I mean, they are clearly capable of dancing in formation, so it's only natural that they take on the next great dance routine of our time. It's the song on every one's lips. It's fun, it's infectious, and even Andy Samberg has danced to it on national television. I think we all know where I'm going with this. That's right. Those guys in the orange jumpsuits should roll up their pant legs, get themselves some ridiculously high heels, and re-enact the Single Ladies video.

Come on, fellas. Whaddya say? Put your hands up?

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My Response to a Potential Renter

Here's the email I received this evening, after posting my ad on Craigslist, from one "Make Jason" (that's his email return address name).

Hello ,
I saw your advert on craigslist .com ,I'm interested in renting the room . My name is Smith Mike (27 years) ,I am a young male,I am a fashion designer , i'm friendly professional male looking for housing in the USA area in hopes of moving closer to my Job , i am a fashion designer . I would like to shear 1 bedroom and a private/ share bathroom with male or female gender, I prefer to have straight male or female as a roommates. I'd like to sign 1 year lease and planning to move as soon as possible meanig that i will be staying for a minimum of 12 months. My budget is at the range of $500-$1800 per month including the utilities .
Please kindly get ack to me with the total movein for the first month?
A little bit about me: I currently live and work in ,San Diego California, working with 005 WAREHOUSE WHOLESALE CLOTHING & APPAREL our Head office is in melbourne in Australia . I'm not a huge partier either. I enjoy the performing arts, I don't smoke but have no problem with people who do, I'm pretty neat but not a clean freak.More i don't have pets but i will get to like it if you have I'm pretty low-key,independent, considerate and very friendly! I'm not a partier, drinker, drug-abuser, or smoker by ANY means. I'm not a super clean freak, but I will certainly contribute to the cleaning of the common areas of the house. I'm pretty quiet and won't have > a lot of guests
over… I'll rarely have overnight guests. Please email me if you feel I'd be a good fit for your next roomie!
Incase there is needs for me to attach my pictures please feel free to ask ,Please
kindly get back to me with the total rent for the first month and deposite if included.
Smith Mike

And here's my response:</p>

</span></span></span>Hello, Mike, Make, Jason, Smith, or whatever else you call yourself (all seem suspicious to me).

Thank you kindly for your interest in my house! Your first month's rent, should you choose to accept the terms of our contract, will be 1 million US dollars. I know that seems high Mike Make Jason Smith, but it is for a good reason. You see, we have to keep the first month's rent that high because, Mike Make Jason Smith, there are many dishonest people in the world, and we need to charge a high price to protect ourselves from those dishonest people. Let me explain what they do, Mike Make Jason Smith. Those dishonest people often pretend to be living abroad, looking for housing in the USA, and they write to people like me asking for my bank account number so they can "pay" me for rent on the room-share I have advertised for on the Internet. But, Mike Make Jason Smith, they do not use that information to pay people like me anything. In fact, those people (we call them "scam artists") try to TAKE money from those accounts. Do you know what a scam is, Mike Make Jason Smith? You would never try to scam me, would you, Mike Make Jason Smith? It would be very unfortunate if you did, because, you see, we in the USA have ways of dealing with people like you, and it's not very pleasant. Have you heard of a little nation called "Iraq"? Full of scammers.

Anyway, Mike Make Jason Smith, I know your intentions are sound, and I know you are WAY hip because you are into the performing arts and fashion design and that you are super laid back about pets and smoking. And it sounds like you're going to be a great match for our cleaning schedule and overnight prostitute policy... so, why don't you go ahead and get that check ready (we don't give out banking information over the Internet, you silly goose!). I'll give you my mailing address just as soon as you send me your bank information, your address, your phone number, your mother's maiden name, your government identification number, your driver's license number, your blood type, and your health insurance policy group number. Oh, and a picture would be nice, too.

Yours in domesticity,

(In case you want to send Mike Make Jason Smith an small note reminding him that it's not nice to bait people on the Internet... here's his email:

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