It's grey and cold outside and I am indoors, in a sweater and a hat. I am questioning the reason I am here, in a sweater and a hat, indoors. I am trying to trace my steps back to the point where I decided that, despite my love affair with the sun, I agreed to live in a city that doesn't get much sun. I am trying to understand what keeps me here, doing the same thing, over and over again. Why, most of my days, I feel like I am running in place. And I feel like my days are wasted. And why that feeling is worsened whenever I see pictures of my friends with their kids. I think: all this time I have been working (and for what, again?) and I could have been doing other things... like raising a child or two, or traveling, or sailing around the world. Or writing books, or getting degrees. Or meeting people from all over the world.
What happened to that sense of wonder I used to have? Where is my sense of adventure and why haven't I overcome my fear of not having enough? Why do I hold myself back? Why is the decision to leap so intensely exhilarating, but so threatening and scary at the same time? This kind of stuff plagues me. I lie in bed at night and ask the question: what am I supposed to be doing with my life? And always the answer comes back: not this.
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Does it get worse between, oh…October and April, when there’s NO NATURAL SOURCE OF VITAMIN D??! Winter time is ROUGH in Seattle. :-(
Humor me. I’m the devil’s advocate. I say that you see only threads and you can’t yet see your quilt. I say that you need to be here - doing just this. Lamenting. Ruminating. It’s called fermentation in some circles. But oh, the elixir it can produce. Live on, LoLo. You will know when. You will know.D.A.