And I can't find my juicer.

This blinding tooth pain I've been having? Yeah, that's probably being caused by an angry nerve. So I'll probably need a root canal next week. Happy Fucking Thanksgiving to me!

And the Amoxicillin I'm taking to clear up the infection that's probably raging in my gums right now? Well, that will probably destroy the flora in my gut that I've been working to restore by not eating wheat for nearly three weeks now. So, yeah. We can pretty much flush that little experiment down the toilet. I'm having 17 servings of macaroni and cheese in between layers of pancakes for breakfast tomorrow to celebrate.

And the Tylenol with codeine that I'm taking to kill the pain? Well, I'm not supposed to drive after taking it (thanks for the info, Mr. Pharmacist with the really bad nail fungus. You DO know you work in a pharmacy where they sell remedies for common ailments like nail fungus, right? Just sayin'.) How do you propose I get to work? Because this surgery isn't free, you know, and I need to work to pay for this shit. And all these trips to the dentist? Well, that's costing me money in the form of lost work. Dear Mr. Obama, I AM the health care crisis in this country in the flesh. Let me introduce you to my Single Lady Option.

The bright side? The dental hygienist thought I was a dead ringer for a certain blond celebrity (I get that a lot) so she labeled my x-rays "Meg Ryan".