There’s a war on. You know that, right? Between you and the iPhone people? And that every time I take my phone out, I might as well be pulling a six-shooter out of a holster? And that every time an iPhone and another phone are in the same room together, the air becomes dry and crackly and people nervously clear their throats? You can practically hear the jangle of spurs and the theme music to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly out here, Sprint. To the iPhone users, every hiccup in your performance is an opportunity to prove to me that the iPhone is faster, easier to use, and just downright BETTER than the phone I use, Sprint. SO. Here’s a little advice, from someone down in the trenches: Get. Yo’. Shit. Together. Don’t make me look like an idiot in front of the iPhone users. I’ve defended you for a long time, but the jackals are circling. They want an excuse, ANY excuse, to say to me, “Why don’t you just get an iPhone?”. Are you going to let them have it, Sprint? Are you just going to lie there and take it? Because that’s what the iPhone people are saying you’ll do. They think they’ve got you pegged. They think I’ll eventually get so frustrated with you that I’ll cave and buy a shiny white lozenge of a phone and leave you in the dust. Is that where we’re headed, Sprint? You know, now that I think about it, I actually can’t understand my loyalty to you. You really haven’t done much more than provide me with uninterrupted, trouble-free service for nine years or so. I mean, it’s not like you throw in a dozen roses every time I upgrade my phone. So why should I stick with you when everyone tells me the iPhone is better, faster, and smarter than your best smartphone? Because you had me at Hello, You’re Lazy. It’s true. I can feel a migraine coming on whenever I think about having to switch phone companies. So let’s make a deal, shall we? I will continue to fork over my seventy-some-odd-dollars for a worry-free, all-inclusive plan, and you continue to reward me for my
laziness loyalty. Here’s another pointer: When I come into your store, make it seem, like the iPhone people do, that I have just brought in a wounded comrade and that you are a triage center. Treat that comrade like he is family. Gently tuck him into a white Formica drawer with other wounded comrades and promise me you’ll do everything you can to save him. Ask me how long it’s been since I’ve been without my device, and offer your condolences with lowered eyes and a respectful distance. Offer me a service ticket electronically and act like you don’t even know what paper is anymore. Tell me you’ll have a new phone in my hands pronto. And do this all with a smile. I mean, for godssakes, Sprint, the iPhone people are watching.
You know I have, like, twenty six followers of this blog and that I could easily foment an insurrection against you? Do you know that in some parts of the world, twenty-six people all hating you at once out of solidarity constitutes a goddamned revolution? How much bad juju can you handle being beamed at you from every corner of North America anyway?
Dear Sprint Store Employee,
I can tell that every morning, in one motion, you push your arms into the sleeves of your corporate logo’d sweater and you put your heart up in a Mason jar on the top shelf of your closet because that is what it takes to do your job. It’s okay. I can’t blame you. I used to work for a corporate entity once. I, too, got tired of dealing with people who brought back items that THEIR CATS HAD OBVIOUSLY BEEN PEEING ON for three years and tell me that they just “changed their mind” about the color and could they just get a refund, please? I’m sure the stories you hear about what people do to their cell phones is equally as horrifying. I’m sure that people feign ignorance left and right about why their phones suddenly don’t work and why they need replacements right this instant for free. I’m sure you have to stare grown men in the face and not move a muscle as they tell you they most certainly did NOT drop their phones in the lake even as wriggling minnows tumble onto the countertop from their battery casings. I’m sure you have to defend against all kinds of asinine behavior that voids service contracts and that you have to tell a hundred or more people a day that that kind of stuff is just not the kind of thing that warrants a free phone.
Dear Assurian Insurance Company Who Insures My Phone,
I am not one of those people.
Dear Sprint Employee (again),
Please review your customer service policies regarding “cracked smartphone screens”. Understand that when I hand over my phone and you casually remark, without making eye contact or mentioning a price, that you “could probably have a technician replace the screen in an hour”, this equates, in my mind, with a FREE service. You can understand, then, how frustrated and confused I was when, an hour later, you said the technician could not replace the screen because the phone showed signs of water damage. Water damage, Sprint Employee? I’m not following. HOW DOES A CRACKED SCREEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WATER DAMAGE? I brought the phone in because my screen is cracked. And now I’ve gone from being mildly inconvenienced to irritated and confused. Do you see what’s happened here? You’ve turned me into an all caps lunatic. When you ask me if I’ve ever taken the phone into the bathroom while I’ve showered because, you know, condensation from a shower could be the culprit of said water damage and I stand there with my mouth agog, it’s because I am trying to comprehend how this is in any way related to my screen. My screen that is on the front of the phone and not the back of the phone where you checked for this alleged “water damage”. Sprint Employee, do you live here in our fair city of Seattle? Perhaps you are aware of how much it rains here. And surely you are aware of the high number of smartphone enthusiasts in our fair city (I’ll direct you to the paragraph above regarding the iPhone users). So, you must, you simply MUST, understand how, given the number of days in the year there is measurable moisture in the air (ahem, you might understand this better as “shower condensation”), and the number of smartphone users, that, by your logic, EVERYONE’S PHONE IN SEATTLE HAS SUFFERED WATER DAMAGE AND THEREFORE EVERYONE’S SERVICE CONTRACTS ARE VOID. Am I understanding this correctly, Sprint Employee?
You might want to have a talk with the Sprint people. Apparently, there is some confusion about when to pay a deductible for a new phone and when screens are fixed for free. Now, having paid you people seven dollars a month for the last year to insure my phone, I was more than ready to pay this deductible and to have a new phone shipped to me pronto. But, it seems like we all had different ideas of what was supposed to happen here, now didn’t we? You shipped me a phone in three days due to “backups” and “popularity of the phone” (and not immediately like you should have, like I am paying you to do). And then, when I got the phone, it was damaged. And when I called and asked your customer service rep if I should ship back the whole package, which included a battery and a memory card, or just the damaged phone, your representative told me “just the phone”. And then you somehow, AMAZINGLY, MIRACULOUSLY were able to ship me a BRAND NEW PHONE overnight to replace the damaged one… which, of course, included ANOTHER battery and ANOTHER memory card. (Are you catching all this, iPhone users?)
Dear Really Stupid Week I’ve Just Had,
Man, am I glad you’re done. Geez…. Now, if I could just back to a regular sleep pattern…
Dear Crows Outside My Bedroom Window at 7 am:
Who elected you to the position of Urban Roosters, huh? GET OFF MY GODDAMNED POWERLINES, YOU JERKS!! I’M STILL SLEEPING!! HEY! CROWS! YOU LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE CAN’T TALK IN A NORMAL TONE OF VOICE? YOU LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE JUST SCREAMS THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS FOUR FEET FROM YOUR HEAD? HUH, CROWS? HUH? YOU LIKE THIS? CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! YOU WANT SOME MORE OF THIS, CROWS? DO YA?
Dear Baby Next Door,
Are you in cahoots with the crows? Do you suffer from night terrors? Why the hell else would you be awake at 7 am and screaming like you’re being murdered? Do you fall out of your crib every day at the same time and land in rusty bathtub full of broken glass? Why the hell must you scream like that, baby? I wake up every morning terrified that you’re being mauled by lions. Why, baby? Why? I’ve met your mother; she’s a dear woman. I know you’re not being harmed in there, baby, so it must be all in your head. Do you need to see a therapist, baby?
Dear Neighbor with Backfiring Motorcycle/Neighbor with Lawnmower,
Really? Are you and the baby and the crows all in on this together? Is there some conspiracy to make as much noise as possible at the appointed hour of 6:45 am to get me out of bed? You know I don’t actually GET out of bed at 6:45, right? Sure, sometimes I get up and press my nose to my screen window and scream at the top of my lungs for the crows the shut the hell up but that doesn’t constitute “getting out of bed” per se. Anyway, please stop. It’s getting a little ridiculous out there. I mean, a screaming baby is one thing. And crows another. But mowing your lawn AND repairing your motorcycle all at once? Come on. That’s just silly.
Dear Self-Employment Schedule,
Thanks for letting me sleep in.