My Response to a Potential Renter

Here’s the email I received this evening, after posting my ad on Craigslist, from one “Make Jason” (that’s his email return address name).

Hello ,
I saw your advert on craigslist .com ,I’m interested in renting the room . My name is Smith Mike (27 years) ,I am a young male,I am a fashion designer , i’m friendly professional male looking for housing in the USA area in hopes of moving closer to my Job , i am a fashion designer . I would like to shear 1 bedroom and a private/ share bathroom with male or female gender, I prefer to have straight male or female as a roommates. I’d like to sign 1 year lease and planning to move as soon as possible meanig that i will be staying for a minimum of 12 months. My budget is at the range of $500-$1800 per month including the utilities .
Please kindly get ack to me with the total movein for the first month?
A little bit about me: I currently live and work in ,San Diego California, working with 005 WAREHOUSE WHOLESALE CLOTHING & APPAREL our Head office is in melbourne in Australia . I’m not a huge partier either. I enjoy the performing arts, I don’t smoke but have no problem with people who do, I’m pretty neat but not a clean freak.More i don’t have pets but i will get to like it if you have I’m pretty low-key,independent, considerate and very friendly! I’m not a partier, drinker, drug-abuser, or smoker by ANY means. I’m not a super clean freak, but I will certainly contribute to the cleaning of the common areas of the house. I’m pretty quiet and won’t have > a lot of guests
over… I’ll rarely have overnight guests. Please email me if you feel I’d be a good fit for your next roomie!
N.b
Incase there is needs for me to attach my pictures please feel free to ask ,Please
kindly get back to me with the total rent for the first month and deposite if included.
Smith Mike

And here’s my response:

Hello, Mike, Make, Jason, Smith, or whatever else you call yourself (all seem suspicious to me).

Thank you kindly for your interest in my house! Your first month’s rent, should you choose to accept the terms of our contract, will be 1 million US dollars. I know that seems high Mike Make Jason Smith, but it is for a good reason. You see, we have to keep the first month’s rent that high because, Mike Make Jason Smith, there are many dishonest people in the world, and we need to charge a high price to protect ourselves from those dishonest people. Let me explain what they do, Mike Make Jason Smith. Those dishonest people often pretend to be living abroad, looking for housing in the USA, and they write to people like me asking for my bank account number so they can “pay” me for rent on the room-share I have advertised for on the Internet. But, Mike Make Jason Smith, they do not use that information to pay people like me anything. In fact, those people (we call them “scam artists”) try to TAKE money from those accounts. Do you know what a scam is, Mike Make Jason Smith? You would never try to scam me, would you, Mike Make Jason Smith? It would be very unfortunate if you did, because, you see, we in the USA have ways of dealing with people like you, and it’s not very pleasant. Have you heard of a little nation called “Iraq”? Full of scammers.

Anyway, Mike Make Jason Smith, I know your intentions are sound, and I know you are WAY hip because you are into the performing arts and fashion design and that you are super laid back about pets and smoking. And it sounds like you’re going to be a great match for our cleaning schedule and overnight prostitute policy… so, why don’t you go ahead and get that check ready (we don’t give out banking information over the Internet, you silly goose!). I’ll give you my mailing address just as soon as you send me your bank information, your address, your phone number, your mother’s maiden name, your government identification number, your driver’s license number, your blood type, and your health insurance policy group number. Oh, and a picture would be nice, too.

Yours in domesticity,
GoFuckYourself

(In case you want to send Mike Make Jason Smith an small note reminding him that it’s not nice to bait people on the Internet… here’s his email: make_smith2005@yahoo.com.)