Look At The Size Of The Fangs On This One

*Sound of garage door opening and closing, Burdy climbing up the stairs to the living room.*

Burdy: (excited to finally see his fiance after a long day) Hi!

Me: (not looking up from laptop) There’s a spider that behind that plant that I need you to get rid of.

Burdy: Um…. What?

Me: Yeah, behind that plant

Burdy: How was your day?

Me: (Pointing with chin) Right there. That plant over there.

Burdy: Ok a a a a y…. so your day was okay, then? (excited energy fading to confusion)

Me: I put a glass over it last night but I forgot to tell you about it. You need to take it outside. Right now.

(Burdy grabs a piece of paper from my desk to slip under the glass)

Me: No! NO! NO! Don’t use that piece of paper! It’s huge and disgusting!

Burdy: (Sighing heavily at fiance’s tendency to exaggerate). Okay. (Reaches for a different piece of paper) It’s behind which plant agai…. WHOA!! HOLY CRAP THAT’S BIG!

Me: (hopping from foot to foot and nervously chewing on knuckle skin) I TOLD YOU! GET A DIFFERENT PIECE OF PAPER!

Burdy: Wow! (slipping new piece of paper under glass and holding drinking glass/spider bio-dome up to eye level) I think that’s a hobo spider.

Me: What? (adrenal glands throbbing at the thought that spider with legs the length of human pinkies and capable of causing anaphylactic shock in humans might have slept in my shoes, or- WORSE!- in my bath towel overnight and subsequently torn a chunk out of my neck with its ugly hairy mouth parts had I not thrown a glass over it.) *gulping nervously* A hobo spider?

Burdy: (squinting at glass) Oh, wait. It’s not.

Me: How do you know?

Burdy: It’s not carrying a bindle stick.

– END SCENE –