The List of Horrible


My sister was having a very boring day at work the other day and asked me to post something for her to read. I wish I could say this was the anecdote for a boring work day, but i think it might be the exact opposite. Um, sister? If you are reading and are having a bad day, this might make you feel even worse. I don’t have anything really exciting to report, except that the past few days I have been feeling really out of sorts and horribly unproductive. Parts of my week have been downright stupid.

A List of Unfortunate Things That Have Happened to Me In The Past 24 Hours:

-Made a pot of black beans, but put too much water in the pot, so wound up making a very watered down, flavorless pot of what looked like, at the end of 3 hours, sewer sludge.

-While making pot of black beans, was not careful while de-seeding the chili peppers, so my hands burned with radiant atomic heat for HOURS after the mediocre dinner of sewer sludge over rice.

-Earlier in the day, while tallying up my mileage for 2009 on an adding machine, did not notice until too late that the end of my very long tape was resting in my coffee cup. Which was full of coffee.

-Tallied up nearly three month’s worth of mileage before I realized that I had already done the work MONTHS AGO (in a different mileage log)… and so wasted hours of my life with an adding machine and Google maps.

-Thought about going to the gym (to work out… to feel better about myself) but then realized my hip is still injured (from working out at the gym) and wondered which would be worse: the pain from working out my hip, or acknowledging that I ate my dinner of potstickers and corn chips in front of the TV in my pajamas.

Today CLH came home to find me in an oversized, stained sweatshirt and heavy pants with my fuzzy scarf wrapped around my head, turban style. Which means that even though “spring is here”, and even though my apartment is heated, it’s still mothereffing cold outside. Sure, the sun is out here and there, and, at the right angle, from inside a heated room on the 6th floor of a building, it might even look nice outside. But, the second you get out there, you realize that nature has pulled a fast one on ya. It’s not warm, as the presence of the sun might suggest. No, it’s just slightly above cold. That doesn’t stop the optimistic native-born Northwesterners I live with from making chipper comments about the weather. No, sir. To them, this time of year is downright delightful. My friend Victoria (who, like me, grew up in climes much warmer) and I have a bet going: whoever hears “Sure is nice out there today!” uttered in line in the supermarket next gets to go King Kong on everyone’s ass.

This is about the time of year when I get a major case of the blahs. Or the mehs. Whatever. It’s this limbo time between winter and spring and the daffodils are blooming, but we all still have to wear heavy coats outside. The time of year when if I miss even ONE day of not cramming handfuls of Vitamin D down my throat, I run the risk of kicking puppies and yelling furiously at babies.

Not that I came anywhere close to kicking puppies today. Quite the opposite, in fact. I have this magical… um… let’s call it a “gift” with dogs. They like to be around me. They flock to me like I’m freaking Saint Francis of Assisi. They curl up on my feet. Same with babies. They just like me. Maybe it’s because I’m usually smiling like a clown and I smell like flowers. I don’t know. But the dogs today? Right underneath my fucking task chair. More than once today, in TWO DIFFERENT OFFICES, I had to yell at FOUR DIFFERENT dogs to move the hell out from behind me or they’d lose a paw. I know, you’re thinking: Wow. Sweet life ya got there. You get to work in an office with dogs in it? How laid back. How relaxed. And you’re complaining?

YES. YES I AM. DO YOU SEE HOW DIFFICULT TO PLEASE I HAVE BECOME? Now, where was I?

Ah, yes, the pity parade was stopped just at the Giant Bottle of Vitamin D float. Well, what a beaut, eh, Bob? This one is being led by the good people at Nature’s Pharmacy. This is a special float, Bob, as it’s half-filled with cotton. I don’t know how they make it float with all that cotton in it, but they do! What a magnificent sight. This baby is made up of about 5000 yards of green Lycra and made its first appearance in the parade back in 2001. Oh! I think I see the next float and I think the kiddies are going to be very excited!

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. This was supposed to be a quasi-serious discourse about how different people treat the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I don’t think I have it in me tonight. I just made myself a salad with black eyed peas and lemon zest just to feel all springy, but CLEARLY it isn’t helping.

Tomorrow I hope to post something with a little more topical-ness. Something related. About the healthcare bill. And taking medication. In general, I hope to have at least one day a week of getting all soap-boxy on this blog. And I hope to make it prettier some day. With pictures and stuff. And buttons that do things. For right now, though, it’s battling a major case of the Blahs.