HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
Okay, so my sister and I have this THING about cats. There’s a very long story here involving a well intentioned but HORRIBLY inappropriate Christmas gift one year, the menagerie of NON-CAT pets we grew up with, the parallels we observed amongst neighbors with unsettling hygiene habits and their ownership of multiple cats, my eye-swelling, uncontrollable-sneezing allergic reaction, and a bizarre twist at the end in which my sister ends up with not one, but TWO cats in her apartment. I will not go into details here because many, many lives would be ruined if I named names. I hate cats. Hate them. And my sister (and brothers) hated them too. That is, until my sister was transformed (and that’s really the only word I can use here because how do you go from hating to LOVING cats overnight without the intervention of a heavenly being?) by two cats. So now she has two cats. My sister who once hated cats. I will never understand it. (Because my heart is dark and cold like that).
So, this “thing” with the cats started when we were very young. It started out with one of us getting the other a card with a “cute” picture of a kitten on it because we knew it would open up all those old wounds around this intense dislike of cats (We’re a kind, considerate, loving family that way). Eventually, cat cards evolved into full-on cat themed gifts. One year I got her a leather cat handbag. And one year, she got me pink cat print pajama bottoms. Now, I know I’m stepping on all kinds of toes here with what I am about to say… (taking a deep breath)… but, cat paraphernalia? IT’S NOT CUTE. Not one bit. It’s like you can SMELL the litterbox and FEEL the fucking hairballs brushing lightly against your ankles just THINKING about it. We can put a man on the moon and perform brain surgery on mice, but we can’t find a way to make cat shit NOT stink? I don’t buy it. If you live in a house with that kind of smell, well, then, you must have superhuman strength. Cat mouse pads and sweaters that say things like “my cat is smarter than your dog”? Excuse me for a minute while I go spit out the puke that just involuntarily filled my mouth.
My sister has an INCREDIBLE dedication to a bit. I mean, the cat thing has been going on for at least twenty years or so. Last night, in honor of my birthday, I received THIS gem in the mail from my sister.
And the bonus? The back, which I have filled out at her behest.