Wheat: The Staff of Wife
WTF, right? An entry every day for thirty days, then some morose, then touching posts about family, and then a before and after shot of the Chipmunks. I’d be confused too. Where’s the fucking consistency, lady? I apologize for being away for so long. It’s just with the holidays… and the drinking and the friends from out of town visiting… and the baking and the wrapping and the shopping… one minute it was Thanksgiving, and the next thing I knew, I was sitting in my new pink Snuggie watching four movies in a row on New Year’s Day.
Well, It’s January. Which means I am about to work for thirty days straight with no days off (except my birthday) because I am a bookkeeper. And bookkeepers’ lives are one big wad of paper and Post-Its and reminders and frantic emails about deadlines and envelopes full of receipts. In January, that wad increases 100 fold. January is chock full of all sorts of federal (and state!) deadlines for businesses, and when you are a bookkeeper in January, you are not allowed to sleep because it’s your job to make sure all those deadlines are met. Your job is to send in mountains of paper to some service center in Ogden, Utah so that some poor slob can feel like his life has meaning.
Not that I’m complaining. Because that would be a real jerky thing to do in this economy. Complain that you have TOO MUCH work to do. So, I’m going to shut up and tell you about bread instead.
I baked this.
CLH: YOU HAVE TO PUT THE STEAM PAN IN BEFORE YOU PUT THE BREAD IN!! IT SAYS IT RIGHT HERE!! (fumbling with pages to find part about when to put the pan in)
ME: (standing over his shoulder and pointing to the passage that says to put the pan in at the same time as the bread, and not before) I think we can just put it in when we put the bread in. What do I turn the heat down to?
CLH: Three fifty. (still flipping pages to find elusive passage about steam pan)
ME: Three fifty? Really?
CLH: NO! I said FOUR FIFTY.
ME: YOU SAID THREE FIFTY!!!! That’s a ONE HUNDRED DEGREE DIFFERENCE! YOU CAN’T FUCK UP THE DIRECTIONS LIKE THAT! IT’S A LOAF OF BREAD! IT CAN’T WITHSTAND A ONE HUNDRED DEGREE TEMPERATURE CHANGE. WE’VE BEEN PROOFING THIS BREAD FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS! AND YOU ALMOST FUCKED IT UP!
CLH: I SAID FOUR FIFTY! YOU JUST DIDN’T HEAR ME RIGHT! YOU SHOULD LISTEN BETTER! AND LOOK! IT SAYS SO RIGHT HERE UNDER THE SECTION CALLED “HEARTH BAKING”: YOU. PUT. THE. STEAM. PAN. IN. FIRST. SO IT GETS HOT ENOUGH TO CREATE STEAM WHEN YOU POUR WATER OVER IT!!! (jabbing page emphatically and making “Um, hello, dummy. Over here.” face)
ME: Oh. Okay. (squinting at page made greasy by jabbing fingers) But you said three fifty.
So, the lesson here is: the bread baking should be handled by one person at a time. Otherwise, you yell a lot.
See you in February!