I Think We’ll Call This One Snout Flu

If suddenly you found yourself unable to figure out what time of year it was, all you’d need to do is shine a flashlight up my nose and you’d know in about a nanosecond. Clear up there? It’s summer. Slimed over? Well, then, dear nose-looker-upper, it’s Fall. Know how you know? Because what you are looking at up there is one of at least three sinus infections I will get in the next three months. So that means it’s at least November. Let the neti pot games begin!

You know what most women have behind their vanity mirrors? Things like dainty bottles of perfume and makeup and expensive face creams. Know what I have? A Tupperware container full of sea salt and a ceramic nose bidet.

At times like these, I feel like writing a letter to my pre-natal self . It would go something like:

Dear DNA,
I think you are about to make a terrible mistake. See, you have a set of instructions laid out before you that may have been drawn up by a drunken clown. The human being that is about to be sculpted from these plans could suffer immeasurably from having a head that is, well, too small for everything that needs to go inside it . The problem is that the proportions are all wrong. I would like to draw your attention specifically to the sinus areas. Now, I know you have instructions from the father to make these as prone to inflammation as possible, but I urge you not to listen. You will also be tempted to follow the plan for some fucked up looking Eustachian tubes, very short legs and an intolerance for spaghetti. Please, I beg you, spare this child…

CLH says this infection is probably all due to the massive amount of bodywork I am having done to me right now to fix my neck (and to make sure I don’t faint at work again). Turns out that all this ear stuffiness I’ve been experiencing might have nothing to do with Meniere’s Disease (which one MD thought I had). It might, however, have EVERYthing to do with the fact that my neck bones/muscles are all compressed. I saw a chiropractor last week who took one look at my head and neck and declared that my head was noticeably “tilted”. I tried to tell her that the tilted head look was totally in this year, but she didn’t buy it.

The timing on this whole thing couldn’t be worse. I do have a crappy novel to write and there’s only so much procrastination I can blame on sinusitis.