Updates on Mostly Nothing

I’ve decided to take a break from responding to the morons who have inundated my inbox with requests to pay me rent via third party out of state checks to bring you this breaking news:

WAMU is now CHASE! (Cue the Darth Vader walking music…) Look at that evil octagonal corporate blue eyeball looking down on you. Doesn’t it give you the willies? I think Chase got off easy – taking over a bank with a mostly blue logo. They certainly won’t have to spend much on remodeling….which kinda makes me feel better about having a international behemoth take over my neighborhood bank; at least they have their priorities in order. They knew better than to take over a green colored bank, for instance. They’ve already done the math on the retrofitting costs! Step one to success! Outfitting hundreds of banks with ugly, color coordinated, itchy wool furniture costs MONEY, people. Money the good people at Chase have opted to SAVE by taking over a blue colored bank. Geniuses. All of them. Not like the brainiacs at WAMU. Sure, they got themselves all tangled up in the sub prime mortgage crisis. But we all know the REAL reason WAMU tanked. It was that stupid Whoo Hoo!” ad campaign. That’ll teach ALL the banks a thing or two about advertising. Take a hint, Capitol One. One more fucking ad involving Vikings and what’s in my wallet, and you’re toast.

In other news, insomnia amongst people who sleep in my bed is on the rise, our house isn’t rented yet, and in sports, my right ear is still aching. I called the doctor this morning, explained that I still can’t sleep comfortably on my left side because the eardrum of my right ear feels like it might sear a hole right through my brain and come out through my left nostril, it hurts that bad. I have an appointment in two weeks. I can’t seem to convince anyone in the medical world that this pain should be taken seriously. I’ve learned that unless you are bleeding from your eyes, or threatening to kill yourself or others when you get inside a doctor’s office, you get thrown into a metaphorical rubber room and told to wait out whatever’s ailing you. Because the pain I’ve had wasn’t affecting my ability to go to work or make an egg salad sandwich, I was pretty much dismissed by every doctor I saw. I was told, in effect, that there was nothing wrong with me. I was given prescriptions like “Don’t eat dairy”, and “brush your neck with this a stiff bristled brush to stimulate your lymphatic system.” I am normally ALL ABOUT alternative methods of coping with illness. But I was feeling like this was something more than a dairy allergy. I was so miffed that, at one point, in a subsequent visit to yet another doctor, I actually had her draw a diagram of what she saw on my eardrum through her otoscope on a piece of paper so we could both see that I wasn’t imagining the pain. (By the way, if you ever want to scare the hell out of yourself and/or marvel at how far we’ve come [or not come] since the Dark Ages, Google “medical instruments to look in ears”. There’s a tool called a “bayonet”. I’m not even joking. It looks like it would fit on the tip of a very small rifle. And doctors use this tool, today, in 2009, to perform surgery on ears. Unreal.) Anywho, I have an appointment in two weeks with another doctor who is going to give me another audiogram to determine, for the second time in two years, that I can’t hear so well out of my right ear. If nothing else, that first round of tests two years ago taught me that I need to be a little more demanding when I get to the doctor’s office. This time, I’m going to try to get someone to x-ray the right side of my head. If they don’t find the piece of lead I am sure is sitting on my cochlear nerve, or the 6 inch piece of the Rosetta Stone I’m sure is clogging my Eustachian tubes, I’ll eat my hat.

And now for this week’s weather. Forecast calls for a big middle finger being waved in my face from the North, indicating I am an idiot for thinking that it would actually be warm in May. There is a put-your-sundresses-away-until-August advisory in effect. Vitamin D levels are nearing precipitously low levels. Moodiness gaining strength on the western front.

Please, Internets. Send me some renters. Please keep the craigslist meth addicts from bargaining me down from $15 to $10 on a cheap wooden TV stand, and, for god’s sake, send me some sun.