Will Five Year Old Popcorn Still Pop In The Microwave?

You bet your sweet ass it will. And it won’t even taste that bad, either. It’ll taste pretty much like all microwave popcorn does: like hot asphalt and paper. It’ll even leave that terrible oil slick on your tongue afterwards! Hurray for popcorn! Hurray for the poor old man who spoke three languages (Arabic, Korean and English) who sold it to me with a smile on his face! He didn’t know. The expiration date was inside the folded edge of the package, inside the plastic wrap. At first I thought it was written in European time signature- you know, with the year then the day then the month… but, then i thought… that would make it even older than five years, so let’s just stop trying to calculate the ways this could still be edible and pop it in the ol’ microwave.

Speaking of smells that stick to you:
I smell like burnt coffee because i’ve been sitting next to a roaster for the past 5 hours. In case you’ve never had the pleasure of sitting next to a machine the size of a small car that chars green coffee beans at a rate of thousands an hour, let me tell you about it: it’s not pleasant.. Deafening, smelly, smoky. That pretty much sums it up.

I’m going to New Orleans in a week. There are no words to describe how badly i want to leave RIGHT NOW.

My sister is coming to visit in June. I’m excited. So excited, in fact, that i’m moved to ask her to join me in an interpretive dance in roller skates in front of hundreds on her birthday just to show her how excited i am. I hope she says yes.